i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
