Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
