Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
