when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
