She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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