just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
