I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
