My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
