She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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