We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
