my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
