It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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