I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
