did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
