wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
