when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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