woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
