Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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