found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
