So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Less talking, more tequila
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
