I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
