I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
