I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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