I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He did a backflip because drugs
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