I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
