when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
