I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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