Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
