i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
