im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
