I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
