Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
