that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
