I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
