Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
