Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
