He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
