spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
