Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
