He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
