I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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