Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
