i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
