Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
