my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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