Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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