This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
