I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
