This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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