im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the condom got lost in my hair
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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